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Some people have the power to move us with their words and this page contains my monthly life-enhancing thought and quotations from other people that reflect my approach to life and coaching. Over 500 women currently receive my monthly mind-mover by e-mail and you can subscribe here (and get extra bits that don't appear here).
January 2010 'Grit & Grey'
(my theme for 2010)
December 2009 'Moderation' (how to move away
from 'all or nothing' behaviour)
November 2009 'Changing minds and knickers'
(why it's OK to change your mind)
October
2009 'Rust Busting' (confidence for making a comeback)
September 2009
'Good Work'
(evaluating
your job/career)
August 2009
'Your Opinion Please' (tips for giving and receiving feedback)
July 2009 'On Fiction' (the healing power of
reading fiction books)
June 2009 'Her Upstairs' (positive self-talk and
self esteem)
May 2009 'Do Something Difficult' (unexpected
benefits of doing difficult things)
Aloha! Welcome, welcome. How are
you? Apologies for the depressive sounding title for this month's mailing.
It's a reflection of my theme for the year. Hmm, that doesn't sound much
better does it? Let me explain and hopefully I'll inspire you to develop your
own theme for 2010.
This time last year I shared with you my passion for 'DSD' not' NYR' ('Do
Something Different' v New Year Resolutions). And so with DSD being my theme
for 2009 I had a week of not spending; a week of random acts of kindness and
we produced a film for our friends instead of sending Christmas cards and
watched the favourite films of people we respect and admire. There was much,
much more as well. It was fun, it was interesting and I learned things about
myself and others. You can read about my experiences under a number of the
'Life' posts on my 'blog.
Building on what I wrote in last month's Here's a Thought mailing (about all
or nothing/black and white thinking) I decided a good personal stretch for me
would be to try and see more 'grey' in the world. I don't mean that I shall
take off my rosy spectacles or that I intend to go looking for gloom but that
I'm going to try and see more options, especially when it comes to personal
challenges.
For instance, I have always been put off doing a half marathon (despite my
husband and others repeatedly telling me I could do one tomorrow) because I
fear I would not be able to keep running all the way. It hadn't occurred to me
(until I adopted my grey mindset) that it would be OK to walk part of the way
if I needed to and the goal could be just to get round the course, not to do
it in a personally brilliant time. I will add as a disclaimer that this
doesn't mean I am necessarily doing a half marathon* any time soon because -
and this brings me to the 'grit' part of my theme for 2010 - I have another
personal challenge already this year which is to complete my first book,
Mothers Work.
'Grit' is a personal strength I began to read about last year after hearing
Professor Martin Seligman (the psychologist credited with starting the
positive psychology movement) talk in London. I recognise I really do need up
to strengthen my perseverance or 'grit' muscle if I am to complete my book and
get it published. If you are curious, you can take Prof Seligman's grit survey
(it is free, although you need to register).
So there it is, "Grit & Grey" the theme for my year. Sounds a bit more
inspiring now I've explained it? What might your theme be? Why not try
choosing something that synchronises with a goal you'd like to achieve? Or
pick something that might help strengthen a relationship with a particular
person or people?
*I have tentative plans to do my first triathlon in St
Albans in June if anyone fancies joining me. Might commit to a half marathon
after the book.
What
are you taking away this month?
Theming your year could help you weave personal development into your life
every day. Or it might just be fun.
PRESSING PAUSE ON THIS COLUMN
Given my great, glorious goal of completing my first book, Mothers Work, I'm
pressing the pause button on my monthly "Here's a Thought" mailings.
I aim to be back in the summer and in the meantime if you are interest in
receiving my Mothers Work mailings or indeed contributing your stories of
going back to work after maternity leave please let me know.
You can also contribute your thoughts via the
Mothers Work 'blog.
I'm currently 12,000 words into the book I am writing (Mothers Work, just in
case I hadn't said it enough already) and many thanks to all the women who
have contributed so far. In tandem with my writing I am seeking a publisher.
If you have any contacts I would love an introduction - my proposal and sample
chapter are ready to rock and roll.
I have also produced a
short
film to showcase my credibility and bring me to life for editors and
agents. (If you like it, please leave a comment - it can only help!)
How good are you at doing things
in moderation? Does it depend what the ‘thing’ is? Moderation has been on at
least one of my client’s minds recently and what with it being December, a
month traditionally associated with doing things to excess, I thought you
might enjoy a few tips on developing your moderation muscle too.
You might have heard the term ‘all or nothing’ thinking. It’s a limited,
dichotomous way of viewing the world that misses the middle ground. In a
recent coaching session Alice* told me about how she’s tended to exercise to
excess or not at all in recent years and how she’s had a similar approach to
food and alcohol at times, particularly when she feels stressed. Open a bottle
of wine and it’s gone that evening; start a running regime and it has to be
every day not three times a week; open a packet of penguins and she might as
well eat the whole packet. You get the idea. It’s not a constant behaviour but
one that’s present often enough to make her want to get it in check.
I suspect many of us experience all or nothing thinking in certain areas or
times of our lives. If you think you may have a tendency to see things in
black and white (for example with spending/saving money, eating, drinking,
exercising, working, cleaning) you might be interested to challenge yourself
to see the rest of the continuum with respect to whatever it is you are
thinking about. Try and see the ‘grey’, the options you might not normally
consider. The classic example of all or nothing thinking is the dieters
approach to food. She denies herself all day then ‘breaks’ her diet with a
single chocolate biscuit then thinks ‘that’s it, I’ve blow it now’ so goes on
to scoff six or seven now thinking that she might as well. The middle ground,
or moderate approach might be to have one or two biscuits and stop.
So how can we hone our moderation muscles? Five ideas to practise over the
festivities:
1. Remember the Christmas meal doesn’t have to be perfect. At any rate, what
is ‘perfect’? A wonderful meal can be a blend of M&S
ready-to-bung-in-the-oven-veg with a few bits you’ve done yourself from
scratch. Isn’t cooking a big, old bird enough of a triumph anyway?
2. Look for shades of grey when you usually see black and white. What’s the
‘grey’ way to behave in the situation? (Two mince pies, not denial or six
perhaps?)
3. Moderate your language – say things like, “It would be good if I could get
my Christmas cards written by Friday, but it’s not the end of the world if I
don’t” (not the all-or-nothing “I must get the cards done by Friday or else
I’m completely disorganised”) and say “There are lots of upside to Christmas
with the family even if it’s not as easy as I might like” (instead of “I hate
having the family for Christmas, there’s always an argument).
4. Try and do lots more things in a moderate way, like the ironing or cleaning
- the thinking being that you build up your ‘moderation’ muscle so it spills
over into the areas of your life things you’re deliberately wanting to
approach more moderately. Ironing in moderation might mean doing half the bag
and not feeling like you have to do all of it at once. This is of course
assuming you do the ironing in the first place!
5. Make a pact with someone else to do things in moderation.
What are you taking away this month?
Moderation represents the shades of grey that lie between
'black' and 'white.' Very little in life needs to be boiled down to one
choice or another. You can develop your ability to do things in moderation -
drinking, eating, spending money for example - by practising the tips above.
*Alice is not her real name.
Have you ever felt worried about
changing your mind? The consequences? What people might think of you? How
you'll feel about yourself? I'm thinking about life-changing stuff like having
a kid or the work you do rather than dilly-dallying about which bra-knickers
combo to buy in M&S (although one can be forgiven for being dazzled and
befuddled by the extensive choice they have these days).
Whilst it's fine for M&S to put a time limit on swapping the knickers we
bought - unworn and with receipt of course - when it comes to life's more
meaty decisions I think it's always OK to change your mind. What do you think?
I've been working with two clients recently who are on the cusp of changing
their minds about a significant aspect of their lives. One, let's call her
Mary, began working for herself earlier in the year and she misses being part
of a team. She's now looking for a role where she'll once again be an
employee, delivering projects with other people (and financial security and
cash to inject into her business to help it grow). Both her 'self-employment'
and 'employment' are aligned to similar goals so there may be opportunity to
cross-pollinate both businesses. Far from 'taking her eye off the ball' - as
one person warned her when she mentioned 'returning to work'- I think this is
a positive step forward, especially if she can negotiate a four-day week to
permit one day working on her business.
In Mary's words: "I am considering for a short while
a return to the public sector as a senior manager, for a range of reasons
including financial ones! I plan to return for a couple of years, possibly
job-share where possible, and contract the training programme I run to an
excellent trainer I currently work with. This will give me the time and funds
to continue building up the business in the evenings or better on a part-time
basis, and return with a better market links. I would like to keep working
with you, as the learnings are invaluable, and I don't see this as a failure -
more a bend in the road that I didn't realise was on the map!"
Are you in a mental flux about a decision you thought you'd made? The bigger
the potential prize or loss; the fuzzier the path to 'success;' the more
people involved and the irreversibility of the decision can all contribute to
indecision and worry about what's the right thing to do. What shouldn't play a
part in the final decision is the concern about other people thinking you
don't know what you want in life or that you're flighty, indecisive or can't
follow-through. There's usually a good reason for those bells ringing in your
head - it's called intuition and I defy a woman to go against hers. I've never
known it let us down. However, it's often illuminating and reassuring to
examine our change of heart and here are some questions I use with clients and
ask myself in times like these:
What or who has triggered my change of heart?
What's changed? What remains the same?
How are the different options available to me aligned to my values and other priorities?
Is what I'm feeling now likely to be the same in a week, a month, a year?
What would X do? (answer this from the perspective of three people you trust and admire)
How am I likely to feel in the future if I change my mind?
What instinctively feels like the right thing to do?
What will I regret more? (We tend to regret things we haven't done than what we have).
What are
you taking away this month?
It's OK to change your mind about knickers and life's bigger events - even
when you've been vociferous about the choice or position you find yourself
questioning. Answering a series of thought-provoking questions might be useful
in deciding whether to stick or twist our original choices.
“I’m starting work next week
and I’m really scared. I know in my heart I’m a good teacher but I feel so
rusty,” confided Lucy this week. And she’s not alone, who hasn’t felt a
bit worried or even sick at the thought of going back to work – or doing
anything that puts our ego on the line - when it’s been a while?
In the run up to my first corporate workshop after my son was born I remember
spending too much time thinking and agonising about it, and on the day,
feeling like an impostor. It probably didn’t help that my mind was full of
doubt, and swimming with thoughts of embarrassing myself and ‘what if I don’t
know what to say’ scenarios. Probably a lot like Lucy and maybe you at some
point in your life? Yes, even the most ‘sorted’ women experience this. It’s
NORMAL!
I googled “getting rid of rust” to check the chemistry and ease of rust
removal before I started drawing parallels between smelly orange metal stuff
and the mental ‘rust’ I’m chatting on about and happily found that iron oxide
removal is indeed relatively straight-forward. I know you’re a bright woman
but let me say it anyway: Just like metal rust, removing our mental rust
needn’t be too difficult. We’re off to an encouraging start, yes?
Albert Ellis, the revered psychologist generally acknowledged as the founder
of cognitive-behavioural therapies - and in particular, ‘rational emotive
therapy’ - developed a useful tool for mental rust-busting niftily remembered
as ‘ABC’. Lots of models from psychotherapy are useful to ‘normal’ or
non-clinical populations in our every day lives. ABC = Activating
event, Belief, emotional Consequence.
In Ellis’ terms, Lucy’s feeling scared came in response (emotional
Consequence) to her thinking that she had been out of the classroom too long
to know what she was doing (Belief) and that thought was uppermost in her mind
because she’s about to go back to work (Activating event). Essentially, what
Ellis is saying is that our beliefs shape how we feel and crucially, we can
change those beliefs to change how we feel. What do you think? Is there
somewhere you could use that in your life right now? At work? In a
relationship? To feel more confident about committing to an idea you’d like to
put into action? To help you through a period of change?
When Lucy amended her belief to incorporate the idea that being out of the
classroom had given her other useful skills and a fresh perspective, her
emotional consequence was to feel more optimistic and sure of herself. She
even began to imagine her first encounter with the pupils as enjoyable.
Other things Lucy and I talked about included the idea that rust quickly
shifts once you get going and like riding a bike, she might feel a bit wobbly
and off-balance to begin with, but she’d soon feel steady and able. We talked
about the future and what she might do differently if there was a ‘next
time'.’ We came up with ideas such as keeping in better touch with role-models
(other teachers doing a good job with good experiences to share); finding ways
to use her classroom skills outside school and maintaining contact with young
people the age she currently teaches. All these things would lessen the sense
of rust and help her feel more positive and happy about going back to the
classroom.
What are you taking away this month?
Examining your thoughts and your self-talk and making small changes where
necessary can help you feel more positive, self-assured and confident about
any new endeavours or 'comebacks' you might want to make in your life. See the
"PSYCHOLOGY: Positive Self-Statements" posting on my 'blog
(September 16th 2009) for more on the psychology of self-talk.
I do a weekly Q&A in LOOK magazine and over the last three years the most
often asked question is whether Jo Bloggs should move jobs or change career
because she's not enjoying what she's doing at the moment. I think what Jo's
really wondering - on behalf of all of us who've ever questioned the
'rightness' of the job we're doing - is:
* Am I normal?
* Have I actually got it quite good, all things considered?
* Is this as good as it gets?
* How can I be sure there's not something better out there?
* How do I decide whether or not to move on?
And my brief replies to those unspoken questions: absolutely; probably; it
depends on your perception; you can't; weigh up the potential risks and
rewards.
Thinking more globally about work and if it's time for a change I think it's
worth considering what 'good work' is. I believe 'good work' encompasses three
things:
1. Using your unique blend of strengths and skills in a
satisfying and stretching way (engagement).
2. Understanding how what you do makes a difference, feeling your work is
worthwhile (meaning).
3. Being fairly and sufficiently rewarded (equity).
We know from studying people whose lives are going well, that 'engagement' and
'meaning' are central components of life satisfaction and well-being* and the
third point is common sense - if we don't feel there's a fair exchange we lose
motivation. Good work isn't about earning loads of cash though, we just need
to earn enough.**
So how good is your work? How are you doing on each of those three elements?
Let's be real, no job is hunky-dorey all the time: a role that ticks those
boxes 80% of the time is probably the closest any of us gets to 'perfect'
work. If a career change is on your mind you might think about each of those
components separately and weigh up how the work you're doing now compares
against other avenues you might like to explore. My door is open if you'd like
to work through your thoughts and move forward, even just for a one-off
coaching session.
Looking for more inspiration?
Take a look at the treasure chest page of my
website for signposts to more career-related inspiration. Also see this week's
LOOK magazine (14th September, with Leona Lewis on the cover) for the
feel-good feature "We Halved Our Salaries But Doubled Our Happiness" where
I've written supporting tips on how to get your dream job and cope with the
pay cut.
What are you taking away this month?
'Good work' is possible for all of us and it's our responsibility to make it
happen. Considering the three aspects of 'good work' can help us evaluate
where we are and where we might go.
* e.g. see Park, Peterson & Seligman (2004). Strengths
of character and well-being. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23,
603-619.
** e.g. see Diener & Biswas-Diener (2002). Will money increase subjective
wellbeing? Social Indicators Research, 57, 119-169.
Did you ever read How to win friends and influence people? No, neither did I. Oh, actually I did but I didn’t remember. Enough said. Witty comebacks welcome hee hee hee.
Forget pop psychology and self-help books for a moment (although if you’re looking for some suggestions check out my treasure chest) because the newest thing where psychology and books are concerned is fiction. And that’s what’s unfolding in this month’s thought for you.
I recently got into the work of Stateside psychologist, Keith Oatley, who’s been looking at how fiction can change its reader. He argues that novels act as social simulations and that to read such simulations is to set ourselves social problems and practice on them. In short, reading fiction can make us more emotionally intelligent. If you’re curious, his research papers are free on his ‘blog (www.onfiction.ca) and I’ve mused about another study of how reading fiction affects 5-year-olds’ attitudes towards women’s occupations on my ‘blog.
From research to real life and what fiction’s done for you. Have you ever read a novel or short story that’s helped you explore something going on in your life or changed your approach to other people? Or perhaps something that’s improved your outlook, approach or attitude to life or the people around you? If you have a reading experience I could share with other women I would love you to let me know (a title, author and two sentences about what it did/how it helped you is perfect).
I adore reading and in recent years (post children) I’ve found myself drawn to literature that makes me grateful for the life I have; things like The Siege by Helen Dunmore, The Road Home by Rose Tremain and A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. (There are many other learnings from these books too). I create reading lists for myself, sometimes asking other people to contribute. A most munificent friend of mine organised a day of surprises for my birthday earlier this year and it included a bibliotherapy session at The School of Life with Ella Berthoud. It was such fun and Ella provided a wonderful prescription - the first book giving me such a warm feeling towards nonconformists – that I’m savouring and stretching it out into next year’s reading list.
Bibliotherapy (reading as a therapeutic intervention) is on the rise. Reading groups are on the up; there’s a selection of texts – albeit non-fiction – in my local library under the heading ‘bibliotherapy’ which I think is a national thing and then there’s things like ‘Get into Reading’ that Blake Morrison reported on in The Guardian last year. Get into Reading is a social outreach project that has offered weekly read-aloud reading groups for everyone, the aim being to improve wellbeing, build community and extend reading pleasure. I think that’s brilliant. It reminds me of a story I heard last week about Jennifer Frances, an American lady who drives a book-bus round Tampa handing out books she’s bought with her savings to underprivileged kids.
So what are you taking away this month?
1. Knowledge that reading fiction is not just an idle pleasure and 2. That
reading can be a therapeutic experience and helps us connect with others.
Hopefully you’ll be more inclined to read this month too? You could look for
opportunities to learn from fiction and notice how characters’ interactions
and reactions to situations they face can help you shape your life for the
better.
My small but significant idea for you this month is positive ‘self talk’ and self esteem – reading time: 4 minutes.
Have you got a friend or foe upstairs in that beautiful bonce of yours? A helpful little thing that calms, soothes and bolsters? Or a Meddling Martha that undermines, irritates and hinders you? Hmmm, ponder that one a moment.
I’ve got a lovely new client who’s noticed her Meddling Martha has gone into over drive since she quit corporate life to go solo. You might know the sort of thing – an inner voice that questions decisions, gives back-chat about your abilities and repeatedly refers to the idea that everything’s about to go fantazmagorically wrong. So given now is not a great time (when is?) for her upstairs to be blathering on about screwing up, our fortnightly coaching sessions over the blower usually include a few minutes of ‘Martha management.’
A few years ago I questioned a sagacious (male) psychologist about how he came to be such a composed, confident human being. Amongst other things he told me of his belief that no one is better than him. Much discussion followed about what is meant by ‘better’ and the benefits of holding such a belief but for the purposes of my thought to you today, believe me that far from being arrogant, this man represents deserved and healthy high self-esteem. I cannot imagine he has much of an inner critic.
When psychologists talk about self-esteem they are talking about how people perceive themselves in relation to statements such as “I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others,” and “On the whole I am satisfied with myself” and “I am able to do things as well as other people.”* A strong, positive response is associated with high self-esteem and I believe we can turn statements like these into daily mantras that feed our self-esteem and quiet our Meddling Martha.
Imagine fuelling yourself up with a big helping of “Today is going to work out pretty much as I want it to” on top of your porridge and snacking on “I’m really pleased with my progress” mid-morning, followed by oodles of “I’m just as good as everyone else” at lunch time. You might feel daft at first but who cares? I got through some shaky times as a young twenty-something with my home-made, calorie-free mantra snacks. And whilst you’re feeding on those, Martha can’t get a look in. As with much in life it’s better to ignore the negative and try and build up the positive.
More recently I’ve read about preliminary evidence for the positive effects of meditation on thinking habits from Rebecca Semmens-Wheeler’s research at the University of Sussex (The Psychologist, June 2009). Her comparisons of regular, infrequent and non-meditators found that frequent meditators displayed less thought-control and thought suppression than the non-meditators, along with increased mindfulness and behavioural self-control. My interpretation of that is that meditation could be a useful tool in silencing Meddling Marthas altogether.
What are you taking away this month? The promise to serve yourself plentiful helpings of positive mantras every day. Only you can re-write the records that play in your head.
You might remember me telling you about my one-a-month 'Do Something
Different' challenges for 2009 in January's mailing - seven days without
spending, seven days on wartime rations, seven days of random acts of kindness
etc. Well, this month I'm really keen to extol the benefits of doing something
difficult.
Because when you do, it fires you up to achieve all sorts of other unrelated
things. Get one achievement under your belt and you're up, up and away. (And
it felt like just the right thing to talk about today, Wednesday 6th May, as
it's the 55 year anniversary of Roger Bannister breaking the 4 minute mile).
Still bl**dy good going or what?
OK, I know running isn't everyone's cup of tea so I won't bang on about it too
much (but given I've been overweight and not into exercise I feel I can
evangelize just a little). I'll drum on just enough to say that running can be
as difficult or as easy as you want which is why it's a brilliant 'do
something difficult' challenge. Oh and that you feel absolutely top-banana
when you're done. And did I mention all the health benefits? OK I've started
banging now.
Anyway, back in January when our household took on the challenge of not
spending for a week, I found myself wavering on day 4. As it was, I went out
running and made myself proud with my longest run for well over a year. It
wasn't my fastest time, but it was difficult (we now live on top of a hill)
and it was a stretching challenge and boy did I feel buoyed at the end of it.
By finishing off the run and hitting my target despite my jelly legs I felt
geed up to make sure Team Chivers accomplished the seven day no-spend goal.
And we did. No weekend foodie treats, no Amazon orders (I am forever buying
books), no cups of tea in the cafe in the park, no playgroup, no weekend
papers. No spending whatsoever, save for a little top up shopping on Saturday
which was allowed in 'the rules' (it was only a bit of salad so hardly a
thrill...) and it even made us attempt potty training as we ran out of
nappies! The things that money can't buy, hey?
Here's the main message then:
do something difficult in one part of your life and reap the benefits in
others.
Negotiate
a career break with a bolshy boss, tackle clutter in your spare room, resist
using your Blackberry at home or get to every meeting on time this week and
maybe you'll find that you're better at managing your money, sticking with
your healthy eating plan or making it down the gym three times a week.
You'll have your own ideas about what you want or need to do but one thing's
for sure; your confidence will grow as a result of attempting and achieving
your 'something difficult.' I've seen in practice with clients and from my own
experience that when we challenge ourselves in small ways on a regular basis
we keep or confidence reservoirs topped up.
Looking for more inspiration? I'm coaching a woman who's about to
complete her umpteenth Iron Man competition this month and you can read about
her in my
journal (9th April). I also heard about a chap called
Andrew Dobie running Land's End - John O'Groats very soon in memory of
his grandfather.
So, be like an elastic band this month and enjoy stretching yourself,
Jessica x
"Whatever our past has been, it is the actions and attitudes today that have the greatest power to represent us to the world, to bring us pleasure, and to improve our horizons in life."
Dr Nick Baylis
"Lives based on having are less free than lives based either on doing or being."
William James
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
Benjamin Disraeli
"It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us."
Steven Covey
"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else…is impossible. "
Richard Bach
"Don’t be afraid to take a big step. You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps."
David Lloyd George
"...in most circumstances having a go is better than spending all one's time thinking of reasons not to do something."
Richard Branson
"Don't be a slave to your ego, be humble, be willing to fail. Because ego is afraid to fail or lose face, it prevents someone reaching out to their full potential. Getting it wrong without worrying what others say or think is, I believe, one of the greatest secrets of success."
Delia Smith
"The truth of the matter is that there's nothing you can't accomplish if:
1) You clearly decide what it is that you're absolutely committed to achieving, 2) You're willing to take massive action, 3) You notice what's working or not, and 4) You continue. "
Anthony Robbins
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you don't stop."
Confucius
"Never give up. Never give in. Never be late. Volunteer for everything. Be polite. Smile. Learn from everything. Remember tomorrow."
Joanna Lumley
"Imagine that no one would ever, ever know or see anything that you ever did again. How does that change what you are thinking right now? Or what you are planning to do today? Try acting on these changes and seeing if you can identify the fear that brings up: this is the same fear that holds you back."
Benjamin Fry
"...we don't do the things we want to do...think of something you really care about. Then add hour to hour and calculate the fraction of your life that you've actually spent doing it."
George Orwell
"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. "
King Whitney Junior.
"People's tendency towards good is as water's tendency to flow downhill."
Mencius